Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada have begun. One of the biggest problems with the Olympics so far is the lack of snow. Apparently, God discovered Head and Shoulders. Canada has been having to truck in artificial snow, and even that is proving difficult. Pretty soon, to get more snow, they will have to start opening Coors Light. This is assuming they can find a Canadian willing to open a Coors Light.

The Winter Olympics include a bunch of riveting sports such as figure skating, curling, and many variations on the concept of seeing who can plummet down a hill the fastest. There have been several controversies surrounding the Olympics. In one instance, the Canadian Women's Hockey team defeated Slovakia 18-0. This was the largest Canadian onslaught of another country since the Barenaked Ladies released their albums in the United States. Slovakia was huge underdogs going into the game. In order to try and win, they hired Emilio Estevez to coach the team. Unfortunately, the Lithuanian women refused to play for him because he was too much of a greaser. Later, they said they preferred Ashton Kutcher.

Also in controversy is the Canadian Mounties' complete disdain for male figure skating since they no longer hold the "most ridiculous looking uniforms in Canada" crown. They are kicking themselves for their lack of sequins and glitter. All male figure skating needs to do is incorporate horses into their acts and the Royal Mounted Police will be usurped. And frankly, horses on ice would be awesome. Also, a great name for a band.

In another controversy, the United States' Men's Curling Team benched their captain. From now on, the team captain will be standing on the ice, watching--also known as curling. They benched him after four matches. The coaches said they would have benched him sooner, but it took them four matches to figure out how one sucks at curling.

Shaun White won a gold medal in snowboarding. White's nickname is the "flying tomato," which he seems real proud of. He does not know it's just a subtle way for people to call him a fruit. Though, to give him credit, it is much better than his original nickname, "The Flying Pansy." White's coach got in trouble after he was caught swearing on TV before White's gold medal run. We are talking about a 40 year-old man who coaches snowboarding for a living. We are lucky he didn't have strippers and a bong waiting for White at the bottom of the hill.


Today's Tom Swiftie:

"The Winter Olympics this year are really going to suck," the skier said coldly.